Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
