i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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