Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
