Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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