All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
