Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
