I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
