I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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