so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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