look no pants
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
