just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
