On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
