omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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