Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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