I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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