did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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