I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
