Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
