time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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