The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Randomize
