I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
