I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
