i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
