i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
