I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
