why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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