I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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