He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
