The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
