haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
