I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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