i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
