She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
