i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
