"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
