I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
