I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You ruined the universe
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