She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Houston, we have a blender
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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