Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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