Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
