On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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