you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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