Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
