Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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