Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
mondays should just be called national damage control day
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
