he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
After tacos, we're chasing women.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
