Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
