I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
