His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
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