My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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