just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
