my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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