I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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